The Biggest Storm I’ve Ever Survived… Has Just Hit Me Once Again.
After a full year of silence, Alyssa (the person responsible for my existence, the source of most of my pain, and the hurricane that always leaves me drowning in her wake) decided today was the day to message me.
No warning. No buildup. Just her name in my inbox, swirling like the eye of a storm before it all comes crashing down again.
And the worst part? I was having a good day. I was feeling strong. I was moving forward. And then, in an instant, I was right back in the wreckage of everything I’ve spent a year trying to heal from.
Because when I cut her off, I did it for a reason.
🔥 The Reason I Walked Away
I got sober a year ago. And when I did, I knew I had to let go of the things that would pull me back under.
Alyssa was one of those things.
She is a heavy, heavy alcoholic. Always has been. And every time she called me, she was drinking. Every. Single. Time. It didn’t matter what time of day it was. Didn’t matter how long it had been since we talked.
There was always a drink in her hand, always a slur in her voice, always that slow, drunken drag to her words. It didn’t matter if she was happy, sad, angry, or pretending everything was fine—the bottle was always there.
One night, I finally asked her, "Why can't we ever just have a normal conversation? Like a real talk, just you and me?"
She brushed it off, like I was making something out of nothing. "We have those talks all the time."
But she wasn’t getting it. She wasn’t hearing me.
So I said it straight. "Can you even try to call me once without having a drink? I mean, Ethan gets that side of you—why can't I?"
And that’s when she laughed.
She told me I was "no fun" when I didn’t drink.
My own mother.
It wasn’t about what sobriety meant to me. I wanted to mean something to her.
I wanted to matter. I wanted her to care, even just a little.
I wasn’t asking her to quit. I wasn’t even asking for much.
I just wanted one conversation. Ten minutes.
Ten minutes where I was worth more than the drink.
Ten minutes where she could put me first.
Ten minutes where I mattered.
And she couldn’t even give me that.
So I told her I was done. That until she could understand that, I wanted nothing to do with her. And for an entire year, she proved just how little that meant to her. Not a single sober phone call. Not a single real attempt to be in my life.
Just silence.
🔥 The Message That Brought the Storm Back
For a year, I heard nothing. And then, this showed up in my inbox—like nothing ever happened.
That’s the message that sent me spiraling back into the storm.
No ownership. No real effort. Just a half-assed, drunken check-in before she deletes Messenger again, like she always does.
Like disappearing has ever been the real problem.
🔥 The Storm That Never Ends
I know what my therapist would say.
"Forgive her. Not for her, but for yourself."
And maybe, one day, I’ll be ready to do that. But today is not that day.
Today, the anger is still burning. And maybe it should.
Because you don’t get to abandon me and expect me to just let you back in.
You don’t get to tell me I was “no fun” sober and then act like nothing happened.
You don’t get to tear through my past like a hurricane and then expect me to open the door when you knock again.
I don’t know why she picked today.
I don’t know what she thinks I’ll say.
But I do know this—this storm? I’ve already survived it once. And I’ll survive it again.
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